ugh

im bored....

i said that to a friend of mine in a bar one evening.

he looked back at me and said, "than you're a boring person."

must be ture.

need out of this mess.

before bed... a poem

more time

the fact the time will heal my hurts
is just another sugar coated lie
ive been force-feed through the years.
the fact remains, ive grown past it
ive learned to deal with this responsibly.
i have taught myself not to hate,
to live, learn and appreciate.
but the fact also remains that
some things i will never forget.
in the deep dark cold hours of the night
i dance with these memories.
dance with candles and sad music,
a bitter taste on my lips i will savor.
maybe its better i remember
even if you call me jaded over it.
i fear im too jaded to love again!
these nights are all i have left.

its too
too easy
its too easy
to wish you harm

A.D.D.

so, its 2:50am, i'm tired and strung out. bored and restless. homesick and wanting to go just about anywhere but home. im full of contradictions.

i have all of this energy balled up inside of me and i need for it to explode constructively! i don't really know what i'm feeling i guess. i'm in a low level manic state. never at rest and always unbalanced, which is not like me.

the past year has been surreal. i've made a lot of personal progress within my own psyche i could not be more pleased with any yet, i'm still simmering.

i hate to say this for fear of sounding old, but, what the hell, i need to settle down! in the past 3 years i've lived in RI, MA, CA, and LA. i don't know where i am anymore. as always there things that i want and need, (everyone has wants and needs), but they seem a bit trivial at the moment, all kind of grey. and i can't figure out why. i think that's pestering me the most in the here and now.

i don't often post such personal feeling in this blog. maybe i should more often. to force it out.

so lets try a little exercise... i'm going to think for a moment and make a list of 5 things i want right now. note: not Need, need changes everything completely and make me sound like a monkey thats been watching television all night.

#1 i Want to go home. either providence ri or boston ma. the slow (as in speed and mental capability) workings of the south are really starting to get to me.

#2 when i get home, i Want to go to Back Bay Station in boston during a snow storm and breathe deeply. its not anything you can imagine and the scent will take me spinning back in my mind and play lovely games. train fumes, bums, crisp snow-fresh air, caramelized peanuts and frying sausages and ...

#3 i Want to go to an open mic night somewhere that i can read my poetry to a group of people. its something i've never done and i've been writing a lot as of late.

#4 i Want to quit smoking. mainly cause i've smoked so much today that i have a headache from it. and i would have for energy if not for the shit in ciggs slowing down my still young body.

#5 i Want to lay in bed, lite candles, play mood music, cuddle with a guy under the weight of heavy blankets and get lost in the dance

but i think for now i just need a good nights sleep. not too much to ask for?

Gay Artist Network!

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NEWS!!!! NEWS!!!! NEWS!!!!

i have some very BIG and EXCITING news!!! but i must keep my mouth shut about it for a few more mins.....

....wait with baited breath!!!!!!

POST 200!!!

Song Of The Moment
Bad Reputation by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Youre living in the past its a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and thats
What Im gonna do
An I dont give a damn bout my bad reputation

Oh no not me
(no no no no no no no no no)

An I dont give a damn bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An Im only doin good
When Im havin fun
An I dont have to please no one
An I dont give a damn
bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
(no no no no no no no no no)
Oh no, not me
(no no no no no no no no no)

I dont give a damn
bout my reputation
Ive never been afraid of any deviation
An I dont really care
If ya think Im strange
I aint gonna change!!
An Im never gonna care
bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
(no no no no no no no no no)
Oh no, not me
(no no no no no no no no no)

Pedal boys!

An I dont give a damn
bout my reputation
The worlds in trouble
Theres no communication
An everyone can say
What they want to say
It never gets better anyway
So why should I care
bout a bad reputation
anyway

Oh no, not me
(no no no no no no no no no)
Oh no, not me
(no no no no no no no no no)

I dont give a damn bout my bad reputation
Youre living in the past
Its a new generation
An I only feel good
When I got no pain
An thats how Im gonna stay
An I dont give a damn
bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
(no no no no no no no no no)
Oh no, not
(no no no no no no no no no)
Not me, not me
(no no no no no no no no no)

Song Of The Moment

Midnight Radio by Hedwig and The Angry Inch.

Rain falls hard
Burns dry
A dream
Or a song
That hits you so hard
Filling you up
And suddenly gone

Breathe feel love
Give free
Know in your soul
Like your blood knows the way
From your heart to your brain
Knows that you're whole

And you're shining
Like the brightest star
A transmission
On the midnight radio
And you're spinning
Like a 45
Ballerina
Dancing to your rock and roll]

Here's to Patti
And Tina
And Yoko
Aretha
And Nona
And Nico
And me
And all the strange rock and rollers
You know you're doing all right
So hold on to each other
You gotta hold on tonight

And you're shining
Like the brightest star
A transmission
On the midnight radio
And you're spinning
Your new 45
All the misfits and the losers
Yeah, you know you're rock and rollers
Spinning to your rock and roll

Lift up your hands
Lift up your hands

i hate being bipolar sometimes. crazy-psycho-lonely-depressive mode just turned on. i'll be fine, just need to alone in the darkness.

Ba HUM BuG

so here we are, knee deep into another holiday season. and here it comes... the whining and complaining and bitching about not having enough money for xmas presents, time to plan the family dinner and the stress of having to get along with all of those family members you could really care less about seeing.

i know its become a dark comedy about how xmas sucks but you do it anyway and make up your pathetic little excuses all along way, soooo, why do you still play the game?

if you keep playing their game, child, you're never going to win.

i have no compassion for your or you xmas induced apathy.

that right, ignore me, turn the tv back on, and wallow in it.

enjoy!

there is no jesus so whats the point of xmas? for those of you that just said: "to spend time with my family." how sad that you need such an exsuce to do something for those you love. if you love your dear old aunt eve than pick up the fucking phone and tell her youre coming over to visit with her!

you dont need a holiday to show someone you care about them. youre actions have no substance when theyre being forced out of you from somebody eles ideals. i value my friends and family that do something because they care not becasue its the thing to do for the sake of holiday.

ok, im done, go back to sleep.

belle nuit

rain, thunder, candles, tea and sad music

i'm not jaded, just realistic!