oh my ME

IT HURTS!!!

here comes the rain!!!

**smiles** **runs outside into the thunderstorm**

Coming up for air...

Slipping Through Time

ive had these 3 poems floating around inside my computer, youve all seen them before, in pieces as the devlopted. when ever i visited them the tended to gobble up lines from my works around them. after about 5 years of growing i lined these 3 monsters up and noticed they tell one story in 3 chapters. for the first time ever. here they are in order, as one being as they wanted. and hopefully it has reached adulthood here. the last change i want to do with them is put them into poster of selfportraits.

Slipping Through Time

By:

Xavier Armand



intoxication

the sound of this
brings me back to that time
when you smelled so good
and the sight of you
was so soft to feel
only if i could taste your bliss again

The Sweet Used To Be…

The sun was warm
The breeze, cool
The day, long
And the nights, longer

And time is here to push us along
And the only things that change
Are the things you always wanted
To remain the same
Something from the past is gone.

We never see things changing
We only see them ending
Still everything changes
As everything must
What is yesterday
But a memory that will fade.
Tell me, what is left to keep,
If time is on our side?
What happened to the sweet used to be?

There is so much to be said
But my mind is empty
It is all past me now
Just dark shadows
Somewhere in my memory
Will you remember as I do?
Will you remember, for me,
That which I cannot recall?
Keep holding on when
Everything from the past is gone.

We never see things changing
We only see them ending
Still everything changes
As everything must
What is yesterday?
But a memory that will fade.
Tell me, what is left to keep,
If time is on our side?
What happened to the sweet used to be?

Residing on what was
I am stuck in the past
Never forgetting, and never living on
What is there to look forward too
Now that I have seen what
Tomorrow has to offer?

Where are all those sweet dreams you promised me?
I cannot live this nightmare any longer.

Tomorrow

My past is changing
My scars remain
My scars remind me
That my past is real
No longer
No longer do they sting
They no longer bring hate

Each cut is a story
Something I felt along the way
Sometimes I’m not sure if I still feel
Remembering I sink

Should I turn around?
Where’s the rain?
Where’s my pain?
Could I sing that song again?
Tomorrow is here
Why should I care?

Missing it
I dance and reel on top of my past
Flying and spinning, on tiptoe,
Hoping to fall into
A past I don’t think I could feel again
Wanting so deeply
Wishing so silently

Dark dreams and misery
Loneliness and fear
Blissfully unaware

I feel like I'm just sitting still
And time is all around
Twirling and whirling
And taking from me

I wish I were still blinded by life
That faceless fool I can never be again
Sometime I do want to be like you

Like a monkey with a wound
I can’t stop pawing at my past
Always pulling it back to me
I don’t want to leave any part of it behind

Could I sing that song again?
The answers have healed into my scars
Hiding within me
I’m wanting
I’m waiting
To open that day again

Tomorrow is here
Remembering the rain
The pain
Should I turn around?
Misery and despair
Sing again
Should I turn around?
Tomorrow is here
Wanting
Wishing
Waiting
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is here…

CLARITY

I have no real story to tell
About myself
I just wander, lost
Like everyone, I guess

I have
No beginning that I care to remember
And no ending that I can yet foretell

And between my arrival and now
I have
Walked, weakly, as far as I can
Seen some shit
Laughed a little
Cried a lot
Picked up some baggage
Faded a bit
Carried on when, I just wanted to fall
Lost control, however, and
I’m not sure how
I’m still here
My past, ever on my heels
Past unconditional


People come
And people go
Just like dreams
Just like desires
Good times shine
Depression smothers
And still we breath
We don't belong
And still we're here

So make the best of it and smile
We all need more but in the end
It all goes away, so for now
At least we have each other
At least every now and then
Nobody really knows anything for sure
So don't pretend to have it all
Pick up your own truths, along the way
And fulfill them for you and you alone
It takes all kinds
You are who you are
I am what I am today

As a drifter, I feel complete
When I am still and alone
A light surrounds me
Misty green and blue
With soft smooth sounds
In these moments
I know I’ll be okay

I’m not sure how I’ve done it
When I see all this as
Meaningless
All my miracles through all my miles
Meaningless
It’s all subjective
And I’m not always sure
What my reality is

I just need some
Clarity

Song Of The Moment

Separate by Matt Sabato
(click the link to go listen)

its richly layer with beauty and sadness. i cant find words for it. its just moving, grand, and amazing in everyway.

Lyrics:

going on 18
going out and building down his dreams
he said man you gotta hide cause i
gotta denie and ill go a little faster
with no dream in my eye
and ill go to a place that i can create
but i got to go right now
so we gotta separate

this loves makes me sick
and all the girls say
you gotta stop now
you gotta stop and quit so
i ran as i ran to another lie
to a pretty boi that i could not justify
and i know i'm there hiding behind
all those pretty lies and you said goodbye

should i wait
should i go?
should i turn around?

one more day
one more light
just another clown

and i feel like i'm up
but i'm going down

everyday, don't you know,
its just the same again
and i try
and i try
but i'll never win
in this pool
where i lose
and where i drown

so this how it goes
the story's lost
the story's lost but it isn't untold
so i run and i run
and i close my eyes
to something else that i could not disguise
and i know you're there hiding behind
all those pretty lies but i said goodbye

should i wait
should i go?
should i turn around?

one more day
one more light
just another clown

and i feel like i'm up
but i'm going down

everyday, don't you know,
its just the same again
and i try
and i try
but i'll never win
in this pool
where i lose
and where i drown

mother mary help me out now
don't let me go
don't let me go on my own
what good is this?
nothing matters
i know
got to go

should i wait
should i go?
should i turn around?

one more day
one more light
just another clown

and i feel like i'm up
but i'm going down

everyday, don't you know,
its just the same again
and i try
and i try
but i'll never win
in this pool
where i lose
and where i drown again

again...

should i wait
should i go?
should i turn around?

one more day
one more light
just another clown

and i feel like i'm up
but i'm going down

everyday, don't you know,
its just the same again
and i try
and i try
but i'll never win
in this pool
where i lose
and where i drown

again, again hey

random restlessness

cant sleep, thinking too deeply, wrote this. far from done but what the hell im posting it anyway...

My past is changing
My scars remain, Pink and shinny
No longer do they bring hate

Each one is a story
Something I felt along the way
Sometimes I’m not sure if I still feel
But I do remember

Should I turn around?
Where’s the rain?
What happened to my pain?

I kind of miss it
I dance and reel in the past
I fly and spin, on tiptoe, hoping to fall into
A past I don’t think I’ll feel again
I ache so deeply for it

Dark dreams and misery
Alone and frightened
Blissfully unaware

The answers have healed into my scars
Hidden within from me,
I’m wanting to open that day again

Should I turn around?
Where’s the rain?
What happened to my pain?

Could I turn around?

the dark hole

was just shuffling through some old poetry. i found this. my mother had written it for me when i was about 17. maybe it wasn't true at that time, but now-a-days, maybe it is..

the dark hole

i think he crawled out of his dark hole
because now it can be told
i think he crawled out of his dark hole
because it was to cold
i think he crawled out of his dark hole
because it was abode
i think he crawled out of his dark hole
because it no longer had a hold
i think he crawled out of his dark hole
because he watched it all unfold
i think he crawled out of his dark hole
because now he really knows, himself,
he loves, his soul
i think he crawled out of his dark hole
because i need him so
-Vicki Renee Gears
-Bella

cRAP

im sick of rap and rnb bitches stealing old rock music to put in there two bit shit songs that they couldnt even write themselves.

cant spell CRAP with out RAP.

enough already

Shameless

I am Shameless because I don't believe in sin. Just because it fells good does not mean its "bad". (you can point you fingers at the christians for this categorization) Two sayings come to mind when I make this statement. "Each to their own." and "Live and let live." To bad americans are not programed to think this way.

Song Of The Moment

The Call by Regina Spektor from Prince Caspian soundtrack.

I like this song particularly for one verse that resonates for me. (ill highlight if for you)

Lyrics:


It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll cone back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

Keeping Mine

you're loosing a lot to win
you should of known better than
sooner or later i hope
you'll find it easy

disgusted

disgusted and disgruntle with all the blinded sheep with their shields on.

someday somehow ill be hermit. i see it coming.

loosing faith in all of you.

News from www.fr.yahoo.com: i read Frence News when I get very bored: I must learn it. I'll live there someday.

"La lutte contre l'homophobie piétine", estime SOS-Homophobie

PARIS (AFP) - La "lutte contre l'homophobie piétine", a estimé vendredi l'association SOS-Homophobie, qui s'est inquiétée d'une "radicalisation" de ce sentiment hostile, "surtout chez les très jeunes", à la veille de la 4ème journée mondiale contre l'homophobie.

"Les cas d'homophobie sur internet augmentent de façon inquiétante", avec régulièrement des appels à la haine et au meurtre, "tout comme les conflits de voisinage, et la fréquence des meurtres homophobes nous alarme particulièrement" (deux pour le seul mois de janvier 2008), note le rapport annuel de l'association, ajoutant que "la jeunesse des agresseurs, souvent des mineurs, nous effraie".

"On assiste à une meilleure acceptation globale de l'homosexualité en France", mais "parallèlement, à une radicalisation de l'homophobie, surtout chez les très jeunes", a expliqué un des co-présidents de l'association, Jacques Lizé, lors de la présentation du rapport.

En 2007, l'association a reçu 1.263 témoignages de manifestations d'hostilité envers les homosexuels, contre 1.332 en 2006.

Les témoignages reçus par téléphone et mails par SOS-Homophobie, association composée de 300 bénévoles, concernent majoritairement des hommes, âgés de 25 à 50 ans. 132 agressions physiques lui ont été signalées en 2007, soit 21 de moins qu'en 2006.

Quatre départements sont particulièrement touchés: Paris, Rhône, Nord et Moselle, alors que dans de nombreux départements ruraux, les TOM-DOM et la Corse aucune agression n'est signalée.

"En Corse, cela ne veut pas dire que l'homosexualité est acceptée, mais que la pression homophobe est tellement forte que les homosexuels sont transparents, invisibles", estime M. Lizé.

L'association a analysé les 14 meurtres homophobes commis depuis 2002, toujours sur des hommes, souvent de plus de 60 ans (6 cas sur 14). Pour 11 de ces meurtres, les agresseurs avaient moins de 26 ans et dans cinq de ces affaires, des mineurs sont impliqués.

"Pour ces agressions, il ne faut pas montrer du doigt les jeunes adolescents issus de l'immigration, il y a aussi des gens de l'extrême droite et des intégristes religieux", a précisé M. Lizé.

Sept meurtres ont fait l'objet d'un procès, dont cinq ont abouti à des peines de douze à vingt ans de réclusion criminelle.

L'association a aussi publié vendredi une enquête de 58 pages, sur la lesbophobie, "première enquête statistique nationale de ce type" selon une des rédactrice, Sylvie Gras.

1.793 femmes ont répondu à un questionnaire et 63% ont déclaré avoir vécu au cours de leur vie des épisodes lesbophobes. Parmi elles, 69% évoquent des insultes, 27% des diffamations et 20%, dans un contexte de voisinage, ont subi des dégradations de biens. 39 lesbiennes ont évoqué des violences physiques et 4 des viols.

"Des avancées ont eu lieu et la situation des gays et des lesbiennes s'est globalement améliorée durant la dernière décennie : des lois ont été votées, la justice les applique, les médias se font l'écho du combat des personnes lesbiennes, gay bi-sexuelles et transsexuelles", reconnaît toutefois SOS-Homophobie.

Celle-ci réclame un renforcement de la prévention et la reconnaissance de la spécificité des discriminations visant les homosexuels.

English Translation:

PARIS (AFP) - The "fight against homophobia stalled", said Friday the association SOS-Homophobia, which expressed concern of a "radicalisation" of this hostile sentiment, "especially among very young," the eve of the 4th World Day against homophobia.
(Advertising)

"The case of homophobia on the Internet increases dramatically, with regular calls to hatred and murder," just as the conflicts between neighbours, and the frequency of homophobic murders we particularly alarm "(two for the month of January 2008), notes the annual report of the association, adding that "the youth of the aggressors, often minors, frightens us."

"There is a better overall acceptance of homosexuality in France", but "in parallel, to a radicalization of homophobia, especially among very young," explained one of the co-chairmen of the association, Jacques Lizé, when presenting the report.

In 2007, the association has received 1,263 testimonies of manifestations of hostility against homosexuals, against 1,332 in 2006.

The testimonies received by telephone and by mail-SOS Homophobia, an association composed of 300 volunteers, concern mainly men, aged 25 to 50 years. 132 physical assaults were reported in 2007, 21 fewer than in 2006.

Four departments are particularly affected: Paris, Rhone, Nord et Moselle, while in many rural departments, TOM-DOM and Corsica any aggression is reported.

"In Corsica, this does not mean that homosexuality is accepted, but the homophobic pressure is so strong that homosexuals are transparent, invisible," says Lizé.

The association has analysed the 14 homophobic murders committed since 2002, always on men, often more than 60 years (6 cases out of 14). For 11 of these killings, the perpetrators were under 26 years and in five of these cases, minors are involved.

"For these attacks, we must not point the finger at young adolescents from immigrant families, there are also people from the extreme right and religious fundamentalists," said Lizé.

Sept murders have been a trial, five of which have resulted in sentences of twelve to twenty years' rigorous imprisonment.

The association has also published a survey Friday of 58 pages, on lesbophobia, "the first national statistical survey of this kind" as a writer, Sylvie Gras.

1,793 women responded to a questionnaire and 63% said they lived during their lifetime episodes lesbophobes. Of these, 69% evoke insults, defamation of 27% and 20% at a neighbourhood, have suffered damage to property. 39 lesbians have referred to physical violence and rape 4.

"Some progress has taken place and the situation of gays and lesbians has improved during the last decade: Laws were passed, justice applies, the media echo of the struggle of lesbians, gay bi - sexual and transgender, "admits, however, SOS-Homophobia.

It calls for enhanced prevention and recognition of the specificity of discrimination against homosexuals.

HELP!!!

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimu-lation numbs me
and I wouldn't have
It any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To feel, to breathe, to know I'm alive.

new tattoo pix.

these pix are rather crap. holding the camera to the back of my arm in the dark is not so easy. will take some clearer pix tomorrow when the light is better. but for now...

Actualités

lets see....

got tattooed today, butterflies, many more to come, making sleeve. pix will be up soon.

bored and restless with shreveport after visiting new orleans.

"i can't feel my face. i mean, i can touch my face, but i can't feel my face"

have two days of server southern thunderstorms!!! I LOVE IT!!!

i have to pee

i think thats all i can come up with right now.

later
x

Thought on fagets and casual sex...

Thought on fagets and casual sex...

So? What has happened to casual-consensual-because-it-feels-good-gay-sex? Has every faget in the USA really bought into this hollywood-love-and-marrige-is-correct-and-forever brainwashing / programing bullshit? What a silly question. Of coarse you all have. Don't try to deny it, remember, your actions speak louder than words! All of this makes me frown to call myself an american queer. I cannot get on a plane to Europe fast enough. Why don't you guys trying thinking for yourselves instead of letting the TV and government do so. That's my rant for the moment.

And at the same time: Song of the Moment:

Ænema by Tool

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this

Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this

Silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

Learn to swim.

Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.

Learn to swim.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.

I wanna see it all come down.
suck it down.
flush it down.

its great to be home

i (heart) new orleans!!!

ill live here someday!

time to hit the town.

later all

Look Out!

Look Out New Orleans!!! PiercedFairyX will be rolling into town tonight!!!

i cant wait! i real city where i dont stand out as a freak.

This is Beautiful...

A midnight dance thru a water fountain.

just a current photo of me....

not a fan.

eck, i hate writing cover letters. makes me feel even more of whore than i already am. oh well i need a job.

find the light

in my dreams there is also lightening and blue glowing dogwood here.

Mother's Day is Sunday...

No card for my Beautiful Mother. Instead I made her this... this photo-montage is of her and my niece.

I want to show this off. And at the same time I don't want to cause I don't like photographing kids. I don't people to know I can do it cause then they'll ask me to. I'll have to tell them no.

Oh My Me! I Want This Tattoo!!!

Read original blog entry from
where this photograph came here!

Go Back To Sleep!

Here is a lovely excerpt from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/His_Dark_Materials
This link is talking about a children's novelist, Philip Pullman, and his book series "His Dark Materials" or better know as The Golden Compass. One of New Line Cinemas block busters last winter.

I love the daringness of this man already. I can't wait to get a hold of the books

Pullman has expressed surprise over what he perceives as a low level of criticism for His Dark Materials on religious grounds, saying "I've been surprised by how little criticism I've got. Harry Potter's been taking all the flak… Meanwhile, I've been flying under the radar, saying things that are far more subversive than anything poor old Harry has said. My books are about killing God."

god damn...

i fucking hate watching the sunrise.

$1500

Sooo tired...

18 hours after the start of my work day. i pass out........

just one more day

Dribberly Drool

i realized today that i live a rather decadent, excessive, and indulgent life.

and i love it.

i keep my senses abounding with tantalizing experiences.

i hit the top of my high in the the meaninglessness of all this when i resonate with my surroundings.

and who do you think you are to point a finger at me? nothing makes one so vain than to he told he is a sinner.

if there is a hell i'm sure i'll see you there. if there is a heaven, this might be it, so you'd better make the most of it.

6 Days...

I have gone six days now without a cigarette! **pats myself on the back**